Editorial submitted by: Craig
In a miraculous show of divine communication skill, God secretly called together all the leaders of the world to announce to them that he had decided the day and hour of the end of the world. He further warned them not to whine, complain, or debate as they were accustomed to do as it would only serve to accelerate the hour of their violent destruction. The decision had been made and was not open to discussion.
Benjamin Netanyahu managed to ask without any hint of argument if the Messiah would appear before the destruction. Then Prime Minister Stephen Harper whispered, “But what about the rapture?” followed by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who vociferously asserted something about an angel named Israfil blowing a horn.
“Enough!” bellowed the Creator of all that is and would be no more. “You have 24 hours. Return to your people to prepare them for the end, in 23 hours, 59, minutes 54 seconds, and counting!”
As the leaders took off in their jets from Salt Lake International Airport, a surprising number of them had already filed flight plans to Las Vegas. The more serious ones, among whom were Chinese president Hu Jintao, French President Nicholas Sarkozy, and President Barrack Obama, rushed to nearby TV studios to avoid losing time taking long flights home to Beijing, Paris, and Washington, respectively.
Jon Huntsman was first to get his buddy Hu Jintao fixed up with a studio at KSL channel 5. They immediately interrupted all programming to direct a Chinese language news feed via satellite to the great nation of China, and, at Hu’s insistence, to Taiwan. Presidernt Hu, in the most somber tones admitted to his people that he was wrong about the existence of God whom he had seen face-to-face. He further instructed them that the glorious Chinese people’s revolution for which all had fought so valiantly would soon come to an end, in fact in less than 22 hours.
Nicholas Sarkozy found a sympathetic welcome at Fox News affiliate KSTU channel 13, where his French language broadcast was beamed to Paris and Quebec, giving French Canadians the heads up before Stephen Harper was able to arrive back in Quebec. President Sarkozy affirmed that the French had indeed done well to invest untold billions in defending the faith through crusades, religious wars, and minor disagreements with England. As the world would soon end, he lamented that confession was probably of little use at this point but to give it a try in the absence of a better alternative. He urged them to consume all the wine left in France, including his personal stash of 1787 Chateau Lafite, during their remaining 21 hours. He did not end his speech with “vive la France.”
President Obama raced around the city in a motorcade looking for the PBS station, which they finally found at the University of Utah, KUED channel 7. After correctly positioning three Teleprompters, President Obama prepared to give his final address to the nation during the 10:30 PM slot, preempting the program “Waiting for God, episode 117. The nation was already abuzz with rumors on Twitter. Obama promised to provide the clarity the nation needed.
President Obama boldly proclaimed that it was a great day for America. He had personally consulted face-to-face with the Creator who completely endorsed his plans to solve America’s most vexing problems. “An’ by the way, he sends his warm personal regards to the uh …, uh.. Uhmerican people,” Obama’s voice trailed off pensively.
“False alarm,” the nation Tweeted.
“Within the next 15 hours, my administration will have totally eliminated unemployment. While the nation sleeps this evening, I am tirelessly implementing a new program that will eliminate poverty, drug abuse, pedophilia, global warming, homelessness, the national debt, illegal immigration, and best of all…, taxes will be totally eliminated.”
“But let me be clear: The choice we face is not between some oppressive government-run economy or a chaotic and unforgiving capitalism. This is possible without bringing the troops home, without closing Guantanamo, and with no sacrifice to national security. So again let it be clear: I am open to every demonstrably good idea. Obviously we will suspend the election, but that should be no reason to abandon your commitment to change. I urge you, my fellow Uhmericans, to go to your computers this evening to reaffirm your faith in the Uhmerican dream by logging on to https://donate.barackobama.com/page/contribute/o2012-donate-main” and generously support my campaign to bring Uhmerica out of the darkness and into the light ”
The rest of the 28 minute, eleven second address was uneventful but full of clarity. When the end of the world came the next afternoon, the nation was caught off guard. It was quite a surprise. The faithful who watched the address did not believe the part about God talking to Obama so they assumed he was pandering to the religious right. Nobody else was watching. Jon knew and told Mitt but it was too late.